This assignment was done for module #10 for the discussion Copyediting for Consistency and Style. 

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We were tasked with analyzing sentences to determine the source of the problem with the verb (action not in the verb, weak verb, passive voice, or nominalization) and editing the sentences to use the very more effectively. 

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(Original)      Prolonged use of the battery can cause it to become drained of its energy.

(Analysis)      Passive voice (to become drained) and weak verb (drained --> deplete).

(Revision)      Prolonged use can deplete the battery's energy. 

 

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(Original)      The crimper on the alfalfa mower breaks the stem every inch to allow fluids in the stem to be released. 

(Analysis)      Passive voice (to be released) and redundancy (breaks the stem...in the stem). 

(Revision)     The crimper on the alfalfa mower breaks the stem every inch, which releases the fluids. 

 

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(Original)      (from instructions for playing tennis) Place your legs in a bent position with your toes pointing outward at an                             angle of 45 degrees. 

(Analysis)      Action not in the verb (in a bent position with your toes pointing outward) and nominalization (pointing -->                              point). 

(Revision)      To play tennis, bend your legs and point your toes outward at a 45-degree angle. 

 

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(Original)       Because there is a trend toward fewer and larger farms, it will cause an increase in the demand for machinery,                          decreasing the demand for farm laborers.

(Analysis)      Action not in the verb (cause an increase), passive voice (there is a trend...will cause an increase), and                                          nominalization (decreasing --> decreases).

(Revision)     The trend toward fewer but larger farms increases the demand for machinery and decreases the demand for                            farm laborers.

 

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(Original)      The report shows a recommendation toward simple, cost-effective advertising with the aid of either an                                      advertising agency or an account executive from a media service.

(Analysis)      Action not in the verb (shows a recommendation toward...with the aid) and nominalization
                     (recommendation --> recommends). 

(Revision)     For simple and cost-effective advertising, the report recommends the aid of an advertising agency or an                                   account executive from a media service. 

 

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(Original)      Further research needs to be entailed into the project.

(Analysis)      Passive voice (to be entailed) and weak verb (entailed --> requires).

(Revision)      The project requires further research.